We went to California and had a good time. The girls were still coughing some, but were well enough to enjoy the time with grandma and grandpa. I enjoyed the sunny, clear weather. Coming home was so nice that I haven't been resenting the cold since we got back. That's what I love about vacations. I love going just as much as I love coming back.

The Wait
Rainer Maria Rilke

It is life in slow motion,
it's the heart in reverse,
it's a hope-and-a-half:
too much and too little at once.

It's a train that suddenly
stops with no station around,
and we can hear the cricket,
and, leaning out the carriage

door, we vainly contemplate
a wind we feel that stirs
the blooming meadows, the meadows
made imaginary by this stop.

Translated by A. Poulin

Tomorrow we are (hopefully) off on a trip to California. The coughing and whistling seem to be fading away. We'll see, though.

I should be posting again before Thanksgiving. If not, I hope you and yours have plenty to be thankful for and a great day with great food.

The girls are sick. Grace has stayed home from school all week with a cough and a sore throat. She went to school yesterday, but after she came home she seemed to feel worse than ever. Last night she was up for hours coughing.

A sick child at four in the morning is a funny thing. And by funny, I mean hard. You feel sorry for them, you want to help them, but you also want to sleep. If Grace is awake, she wants everyone to be awake. And by everyone, I mean me. I don't know how many times this scenario went on last night:

[cough, cough] "MOM!"
"Yeah?"
[cough, cough] "MAH-OM!"
"YEAH?"
[cough, cough] "I don't feel well."
"I know honey. Try to get some sleep."
[cough, cough] "Whh-at?"
"Try to get some sleep."
[cough, cough] "Whh-AAT?"

I finally found some cold medicine with a cough suppressant. I could hear Grace's cough slowly fade and around 5:30 she fell asleep.

Lillie woke up feeling "worse than I've ever felt in my whole life." She has a sore throat and has taken to using a whistle to get my attention. Even when I'm in the room. It's starting to get a little old, but the game of it is keeping her a little happy. So, that's good.

We're supposed to go on a trip tomorrow. Not sure if that's happening or not.

This video is funny. My favorite part is the kid in the back playing video games.

I made a comment on the angry mormon's blog that the "church just isn't the end-all for me and I don't expect it to be... crazy enough, once I stopped caring about if it was "true" or not, it's become more meaningful for me."

Stephen responded that "the Church is only there to support you, you aren't on this earth to support it."

I appreciated the comment. My parents taught me that my purpose was to support the Kingdom of God. You never said no to a church calling, all the workings of the church were divinely inspired, and the church and the Kingdom of God were one and the same. Having that kind of black and white outlook was great as a kid. I felt very safe, very sure, and knew just what was expected of me. It blew my mind a little bit that I was lucky enough to have been born into the "one and only true church".

The first crack in that kind of thinking was when my seminary teacher was arrested. I loved his lessons, he was always entertaining and he made me think. I remember one lesson in particular that he gave about lust, that Christ taught that it was a sin to even lust in our hearts even if we don't act on it. Later, we found out that he had been abusing his daughters and he was tried and sent to prison.

To my thinking then, it wasn't possible that the bishop wouldn't have been able to look into this man's eyes and discern his sin. That was when I first realized it doesn't work that way.

It makes sense to me now that it doesn't work that way. God doesn't give us all the answers. He doesn't make everything clear. I don't think this world (for me, anyway) is about knowing. It's about going on faith. And, faith isn't about knowledge or surety, it's about believing and hope.

I have belief and hope in my church now. The more important issue is my belief and hope in God, but I do feel the church brings me closer to Him. Even in its imperfection. And, of course it's imperfect, because people are imperfect.

Coming to terms with all of this led me back to church and I'm glad to be here. It isn't the same to me as it was when I was younger, but it doesn't need to be.

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

1 Corinthians 13:11-13

Arrested Development is being canceled. Why didn't more people watch this show?

Via Kulturblog.

The Grass so little has to do
by Emily Dickinson

The Grass so little has to do –
A Sphere of simple Green –
With only Butterflies to brood
And Bees to entertain –
And stir all day to pretty Tunes
The Breezes fetch along –
And hold the Sunshine in its lap
And bow to everything –

And thread the Dews, all night, like Pearls –
And make itself so fine
A Duchess were too common
For such a noticing –

And even when it dies – to pass
In Odors so divine –
Like Lowly spices, lain to sleep –
Or Spikenards, perishing –

And then, in Sovereign Barns to dwell –
And dream the Days away,
The Grass so little has to do
I wish I were a Hay –

My parents are visiting, so I haven't taken the time to write. I should be back in the swing of things by Monday, I hope.

Yesterday, the nurse told me the results would be ready today, and if I hadn't heard by 1:30 or so to call the doctor's office. So, at 1:35 I called and they told me the results wouldn't be ready until Friday.

I thought that was a little odd, but they just called me 10 minutes ago to say that everything is benign. No problems, no cancer. Good news.

Ever have one of those weeks where you feel really productive and you cross all the things off your list one by one? I have too, but not this week. I check my email, look at what I need to do and just think Meh. Maybe later.

What I need to do is go for a good, long run. That always clears my head and lifts my mood. Meh. Maybe later.

I had the biopsy this morning. It went fine. It took more than hour to even get into the room, which was annoying. And, they were trying out a new machine for the first time and there were seven people in the room which was a little unnerving. But, the new machine meant that they only inserted the needle twice. They took nine samples - including five from the tail of the cyst that has grown. I was happy about that. If they are going to get in there, they might as well really examine the thing.

I felt more emotional during the procedure than I thought I would, but I have felt fine since. I should have my results tomorrow Friday. I'm not worried or anxious about the results, but I'm sure once they actually tell me benign it will be a good feeling.