Who hath ascended up into heaven, or descended? who hath gathered the wind in his fists?
Proverbs 30:4

When I was growing up, I was absolutely a convinced Mormon. As a child, I had a sweet and total faith in the church and in God. In fact, there wasn't much difference between the two in my mind.

As a teenager, my spirituality became deeper and more real to me. I went to seminary, I read the Bible and the Book of Mormon, and prayed a lot. God was as real to me as anything else in my life. I regularly bore my testimony at church, girls camp, and youth conference. It was almost impossible to be in a testimony meeting without feeling butterflies in my stomach, the hairs raise on the back of my head, and getting up to talk.

As I got a little older and went off to college, I was still a very active and believing member, but I was becoming a slightly cynical Mormon. I mainly just saw it as being young and stupid and wanting to make my own choices. Nothing extreme, just things like not being a Molly Mormon, and not being sure about the exclusivity of our church (were we really "the one and only true church"?). I still believed, but things weren't the same.

After I got married, I thought I'd quickly be a mature adult about things and get more serious about my faith. I found myself becoming more cynical instead. Not to the point of losing my faith. But, church was much more boring as a married person. The social fun of it was gone, and I couldn't relate to the housekeeping and motherhood aspects of Relief Society. Moving away from Provo helped. We lived in Japan for awhile, and I loved the church there. I did start to think I believe these things rather than know them, but it was good to believe.

I thought once I had a child, I'd become more dedicated. For a little while, I did. I was happy teaching Primary and then being Primary President in a small branch. There were little things that came up, and I liked discussing the differences between Mormon culture and actual gospel doctrine.

Then, something happened and I felt the need to know if everything I believed was really "true". At the time, I thought it was simply trying to figure out how I felt about the church and God and religion as an adult. I didn't want to give my daughter something that was just a pretty lie. This is true, but I think the main reason it become such an issue for me was that my sister was excommunicted at this time. I think I felt disloyal to her by staying in the church. But, if it was true, I couldn't turn my back on the church.

I had a couple of really hard years. Growing up as a Mormon was a fabulous thing. It gave me complete faith in God, a sense of purpose, and I knew just what was expected of me. Questioning my Mormonism was all turmoil. I prayed constantly but felt like I was hitting a brick wall. I read the Bible from start to finish, I read the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants and The Pearl of Great Price. I read a lot about Christianity, other world religions, church history books, and tried to figure out what I really believed.

I kept expecting a big moment where I'd realize that the church was where I was supposed to be. We were going to church off and on, but it was hard. Not going didn't feel right, when we went it didn't feel right. We tried going to a few different churches and none of that felt right.

Then I just backed off the whole thing. I felt like maybe I was just trying too hard. I was trying to catch the wind in my fists. If I just stopped, maybe I would be able to let the wind simply blow over me.

We decided to go back to church full time. After throwing the same ideas around and around my head, I boiled it down to what was important to me: I believe in God, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe in the Bible. I wasn't sure about anything else, but I figured all of that was actually a lot to believe in. I wanted to be a church-going family and I couldn't imagine myself at any other church. I liked the Christianity I grew up with and I knew I wouldn't find what I was looking for anywhere else.

I also decided that I wasn't going to pretend to be anything I wasn't. If someone asked me if we were new in the ward, I'd just say "No. We just haven't been coming to church very often." I told my Relief Society president I wasn't ready to visit teach. I liked being a casual Mormon.

My kids loved going to church regularly. Primary was fun and their lessons were great. I loved that they were hearing the same stories I heard growing up.

We moved, and this time I felt like I could visit teach again. I accepted a calling. I felt very comfortable at church and stopped questioning everything. If I didn't agree with something, I just didn't agree with it. I didn't have to change and the church didn't have to change.

I'm still not your standard Mormon. But I don't know that there really is one. I don't bear my testimony like I did when I was little, I don't say "I know this church is true." Although I respect the people who can say it, I'm not sure I even know what that means. I agree with our Muslim friend who said, "You should be good Mormons and we should be good Muslims. If everyone in the world followed their religion, the world would be a wonderful place."

I love this church and I choose to believe the gospel that it teaches. Not because anyone expects me to, but because when I do, I feel closer to God. Right now, I consider myself a very hopeful Mormon.