she called up
And gave me the news
It made me so sad, sad, sad
There was nothing I could do
- crowded house

I've got this energy beneath my feet
like something underground's gonna come up and carry me,
I've got this sentimental heart that beats
but I don't really mind that it's starting to get to me now
- the killers

Stop! in the name of love
Before you break my heart
Think it over
-the supremes

The babies were 11 months old yesterday and I will write my monthly post about them sometime next week, but I don't feel right about not writing about the sad news we got last month. There's a lot of stuff I don't write about here now, but it seems right to write about Chris.

I've known Chris since 1990 - almost as long as I've known David. He's been David's friend since high school and I'm lucky to say that he was my friend, too. He killed himself last month and the news was devastating and just so strange for me.

26 days ago our friend Chris was alive and making his classic jokes. For 25 days, those of us who knew him have lived with the fact that he is gone. He is gone and he shouldn't be.

I still haven't processed what's happened. I don't know if I will. Part of what makes it bearable is that it's still not really real. Because he wasn't part of our day-to-day lives, we can forget just a little how much we have lost.

The first week after he died was painfully slow for me, but life has gotten back to normal. I cried about him this morning a little, but it was the first time in a while. Life goes on because it has to go on and that's how it should be. But, things will never be exactly the same. His death broke my heart in a way that won't ever be totally healed.

The days that go by without Chris are going to pile up and turn into years and decades. I'm thankful that I will get to wake up and see those days pass. I wish Chris still could. I wish he had wanted to.