This is the place they hoped before
Emily Dickinson

This is the place they hoped before,
Where I am hoping now.
The seed of disappointment grew
Within a capsule gay,
Too distant to arrest the feet
That walk this plank of balm --
Before them lies escapeless sea --
The way is closed they came.

So, there's a blog on my sidebar that I've been reading for about six months and it's totally fake. I actually know of some of the bloggers who created this fake blog, but they used fake identities and fake photos. Pretty early on I decided that "Aaron" (shown above) and Septimus had to be fake. Or, at least just trying to get a rise out of people. Lately, I've been more and more convinced that the blog was just a ruse.

Still, when I found out it actually was, I didn't feel smart, I felt weird. When they were first accused of being fake, they actually created a big scenario about how they knew each other (I met him on my mission and he met him on a blog and she married my brother or whatever) and lately have even faked hurt feelings about the matter.

Whatever, right? Well, yeah. I don't really care. It's just really weird to keep up the lie for six months. It's a good reminder of the limitations of the internet. You never really know who you're talking to.

I feel like I should add that after a day or so, I really didn't care at all. I can see the funny side of this and even miss the fun of checking the blog.

My biopsy will be on Tuesday. Last night I was thinking that it's been two years since my last one. During the days counting down to it I was so stressed I had trouble getting a breath sometimes. I don't feel like that at all. But, I'll admit that I do feel a vague, troubled feeling. I just feel like something is off. I'm sure everything is fine (well, as sure as you can be without actually being sure), but I will feel better when I get the actual results.

My mom called a few days ago and wanted to know why we didn't want to just remove it. The doctor was perfectly willing to do so, but didn't recommend it. The funny thing is, if I had only one lump (instead of ten) I probably would just have surgery. And, the doctor would probably even recommend it. Let's just get it out and be done with it. Except, when you have TEN, you're not just done with it. I mean, what are they going to do, just carve me up? No, thank you.

My mom and dad are also coming into town on Tuesday, which makes me happy. I probably won't write too much next week, but I'll be sure to have at least one post that says: BENIGN.

Buy pink M&M's and support The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

Shout out to Heather and s'mee for the heads up.

We went to Portland and the Oregon coast on our trip. It was fun. Getting away is always fun and it makes you appreciate home when you come back.

We hung out, went swimming, saw the Portland temple, went to Trader Joe's, cracked jokes, spent a long time at the science museum, saw an IMAX movie about Lewis and Clark, kicked it, did a little hiking, had some clam chowder, and enjoyed the ocean. Lots of fun.

The thing that sticks out the most? How much I love Trader Joe's. We bought some snacky stuff for the road, but I looked longingly at all the great breads and frozen veggies and pizza and just all the great stuff they have for dinner. It sounds silly, but I miss their great frozen stirfry dinner. I miss picking up a bag of mixed frozen peppers or some fabulous cheese. So much delicious stuff, and all for so cheap.

Besides family and friends (which is a really big besides), that's what I miss the most about California. Pathetic, I know, but if you've ever been to Trader Joe's I think you know what I mean.

Crossing Newbury Street
by Roddy Frame

I remember the December sky
Yellow sun casting a haze
I can almost see the halo flare
In the corner of my eye

Its like a picture that I took that day
Snapped a scene and then just put it away
Beneath the whirling helicopter blades
Became aware of my life

Funny how now that life’s been revealed
Feels like time travel is real
The same kid figuring out how it feels
As I stare at the unravelling reels

Memories over flowing from my cup all
Tripping me up
and I stumble
Wishes and dreams I pushed out of my mind
Come back to find me
They tumble down through my ages
And leave me drowning in a sorrow so sweet
I don't want to be saved

I recall crossing Newbury Street
Cutting corners, keeping everyone sweet
The kindest people all working on my beat
But something souring inside

All fall, finding my feet
From fiery leaves to splashing holiday sleet
I strapped my walkman on and prized defeat
From the jaws of victory and then sighed

Well, ain't it strange, the arrangements we blew
Just to find time travel's come true
I can't tell the old from the new
The sound of someone strumming still bleeding through

Memories over flowing from my cup all
Tripping me up
And I stumble
Wishes and dreams I pushed out of my mind
Come back to find me
They tumble
Down through my pages
And leave me
Drowning in a sorrow so sweet
I don't want to be saved

Cause who'd be saved from mistakes?
When they're what makes life more
Than just a movie on a screen

And who'd be saved from doubt?
When it's what faith is all about,
It makes us more than just machines

Things discussed on our trip:

Who is needier: Oprah or Ryan Adams? We decided Oprah because she is hugely successful and outrageously rich and still incredibly needy. I think a much tougher question would have been who is needier: Oprah or Tom Cruise?

What is a needier bumper sticker: Nature is My Church or My other car is a Harley? We decided Nature is My Church is more defensive than needy.

Not discussed, but still has you saying needy until it sounds like a nonsense word:

What's needier: Donald Trump saying "I want to keep proving that I'm young, still have it, so I did this..." about getting his wife pregnant or Donald Trump saying that he won't change diapers? Trying to prove he's young is needy, for sure, but I think it's kind of sad that this baby probably won't have either of his/her parents' change a diaper.

We're taking a family vacation and I should be back on your computer screen with fresh takes by Wednesday or Thursday.

in Just-
e.e. cummings

in Just-
spring when the
world is mud-
luscious the little
lame baloonman

whistles
far and wee

and eddieandbill come
running from marbles and
piracies and it's
spring

when the world is puddle-wonderful

the queer
old baloonman whistles
far and wee
and bettyandisbel come dancing

from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

it's
spring
and
the
goat-footed

baloonMan whistles

far
and
wee

I turned 36 this last summer and David recently turned 40. It wasn't as weird as I thought it might be. I feel older in some ways, but mostly I just feel like me. The older we get, the more I just adjust my thinking about what it means to be older.

I think the oldest I've ever felt was when I came home from the hospital after having a DVT. I was only 29, but I felt feeble and weak and vulnerable. And mortal.

I feel older when medical crap comes up. Today I found out that I should have another lump biopsied. That makes me feel older, for some reason. But not scared like I was the first time. Because this time I'm just assuming it's benign. I said that last time, but this time I believe it.

It's weird that 18 years ago I was 18. I still feel the same. Or, at least I feel like I feel the same. If I were to suddenly be 18 again, I'd probably feel the difference. It's even weirder that Grace will be 18 in seven years. Seven years goes by way too fast.

U2 took over the Conan O'Brien show on Thursday. The entire show was all U2, all the time. We taped it (thanks to a heads up from Chicken Paco) and watched it last night. The funniest part was when Conan was interviewing the folks standing in line before the show. I don't watch Conan much anymore, but every time I do I think he is the funniest man alive. Then I wait six months to watch him again.

It was a fun show. The Edge did The Year 2000 jokes, Conan interviewed the band and Bono alone, and they played four songs. After the first song, Conan came bounding out onto stage and then suddenly stopped short when he realized he wasn't ever supposed to be in the same shot with Bono if they were both standing up. Which didn't really matter because later Bono played guitar on an oversized guitar that made him look incredibly wee.

Larry Mullen, Jr is funny because if he cuts his hair short or grows it long (it was longer last night), he still has the same essential style. The Edge is funny because he reminds me so much of Crapples.

If you missed it, here are a few jokes:


U2's Flock of Seagulls phase


U2's Fat Years

Expect Nothing
Alice Walker

Expect nothing. Live frugally
On surprise.
become a stranger
To need of pity
Or, if compassion be freely
Given out
Take only enough
Stop short of urge to plead
Then purge away the need.

Wish for nothing larger
Than your own small heart
Or greater than a star;
Tame wild disappointment
With caress unmoved and cold
Make of it a parka
For your soul.

Discover the reason why
So tiny human midget
Exists at all
So scared unwise
But expect nothing. Live frugally
On surprise.

I haven't met or even seen that many celebrities. The few I have were mainly at airports and I never said anything to them. I was with David when he talked to Norm McDonald for a minute and the time he told Richard Kiel that he liked his work in Happy Gilmore. My personal favorite is when we saw Ted Kennedy at the airport and David blurted out "KENNEDY!" and pointed at him. We were only about four feet away from the man.

I did have a run-in with Connie Chung twelve years ago. Her TV show was doing an investigation of the doctor's office where I was office manager. It was all a bunch of nothing (a patient tried to sue the doctor, the case was crap so it didn't go anywhere, so they went to the news media instead), but it was when there was a lot of talk about insurance and this doctor had had a lapse in insurance and (long story made short) Connie Chung's Eye to Eye picked up the story.

Connie Chung's people camped out in our parking lot one day. Then, Connie Chung showed up in our waiting room. I had to come out and handle it. I basically just said "No Comment" over and over while in my head I was thinking how skeletal Connie Chung looked (the camera adds 10 pounds is not a myth). I didn't even process the questions she was asking me. The cameraman put the camera right in my face and I instinctively put my hand up to push it away. Immediately I knew that was a mistake. You always see these investigative reports on TV where the person puts their hand up to the camera and it makes them look guilty.

I started to walk towards the door to just try to get them OUT of the office. The amazing thing was, Connie and her crew just followed me. I somehow managed to get them on one side of the door and I shut the door. Weird.

So, I was on national TV with my big hand shoving the camera away. And, the whole thing made me sick to my stomach. Ack, that was a stressful time. They ended their program with a quick note that the doctor now had insurance, but the damage was done. His practice in that area folded. He was able to open a new office in a new place and did fine, but what a lame thing to happen.

If you are going to pick your nose in public, do the sideways pick and use your thumb. Using your pointer finger is so first grade.

I have added word verification on my blog comments. I actually don't know how I escaped the spammers for so long, but the last two days I've had to run through my entire blog four times to delete spam comments. (And the idiots don't even get that Blogger automatically adds a nofollow tag to each comment link, so it doesn't help their PageRank.)