When I was pregnant with Grace, I knew that my life was going to completely change. I'd seen enough of other parents to see that it wasn't easy, but I didn't really know what I was in for. After she was born, I was surprised that when she fell asleep I couldn't just lay her in her crib. As soon as she touched the mattress, she'd wake up and scream indignantly until we picked her up.

We kept her in a cradle near our bed, and brought her into our bed. She woke up a lot in the night. I think of those early intense months sitting on the bed looking out the window, or walking her endlessly around the bedroom. I remember looking at other people and thinking, They get to home and go to sleep at night. I read some books about getting your child to sleep, but we tried to let Grace cry it out once and it was just too hard. She wouldn't just cry, she'd scream like she was in agonizing pain.

Then, I picked up a book about the family bed, and felt better about doing that. We got more sleep when she was in our bed, and it was easier. She still had a hard time going to sleep, and I walked her for miles getting her to sleep.

I didn't really have a parenting philosophy at this point. I was just trying to get by. I couldn't bear her heart-wrenching cries and whatever worked to stop that, I liked. When she was about 18 months and still nursing and still in our bed, I found a forum online called Parent-L composed of people who were into attachment parenting, family bed, extended nursing, and realized this is what I was doing. I was doing it just to get by, but they had chosen it. I held my daughter all the time because she didn't like her stroller, but these people didn't even buy strollers. They thought it was the best way to do it.

I had friends whose children actually slept in their own rooms and I just didn't even see how they did it. One time, I was at a friend's house when she was getting her boy to sleep on his own. She was going to let him cry it out. I thought, ooh boy, this is going to be hard. She put him down, and left. From his room I heard "Aaah, aah, aah." Just a soft grumbling, a I'm-kind-of-put-out-by-this sort of thing. I could've done that, I thought.

By the time Lillie was born, Grace was in her own bed. But, it was right next to our bed. So, she was still within arm's reach. Lillie was a completely different baby. And, just as Grace surprised me when she didn't want to be in a crib alone, didn't want to be put into a stroller, and didn't want to be in a car seat, Lillie surprised me when she preferred to sleep on her own. She relaxed in a car seat or a stroller. I had a sling this time around, she loved that thing. When she was a newborn, she'd have a short crying session at night, but I soon found out that putting her in the sling was the answer. She loved it in there and soon went to sleep. With her, I actually felt guilty about letting her sleep in her crib (just as I'd felt guilty letting Grace in our bed). But, she really slept better in the crib, and so did I.

I read a lot of parenting books. I basically thought of my parenting philosophy as attachment parenting. But, even with this there are a lot of different viewpoints. When Grace was three, I read a lot about non-coercive parenting and tried that out. That didn't work. At all. I'm happy for the folks that it does work for, but for me that was like trying out non-parenting. And, I would end up actually being more coercive for my efforts. My feeling is that kids need boundaries and they feel safe when you are the one in charge. When you try to put them in charge, they freak out.

When Grace was five and Lillie one, we put them in their own room together. I'd lay down with them, and leave after they went to sleep. This worked for us for a long time. It wasn't until Grace was eight and started taking way too long to get to sleep (I think because she didn't want me to leave), that we decided that I would lay with them for a set amount of time, and then it was up to them to get sleep. That took awhile, but now I can just tuck them in and leave (I often choose to hang out, but it isn't because I have to or my child will freak out). I wish I'd done this earlier.

Around the time they got their own room, a group of moms from La Leche League and a homeschool park day decided to get together to implement ideas from the book The Continuum Concept. This was very different from attachment parenting in some ways, and similar in others. They believed in following a tribal idea of parenting. So, while the baby is "in-arms" almost constantly as a baby, and extending nursing is a natural extension of that, it's not all on the mother's shoulders. Husbands, aunts, siblings, friends, we should all help out. In our modern age, this isn't always possible. But, as a group, we got to know each other and our kids, and we helped each other to a certain extent.

Another idea from The Continuum Concept was that you shouldn't be child-centered. Attachment parenting (the way I was doing it, anyway) was all about the child. My wants and needs were all secondary to what my child wanted. With this philosophy, the child should see the mother leading an adult life, she should have a productive life outside of the child - cooking, gardening, knitting, working, reading, whatever it is the mother wants to do. The child can come along for the ride, but really needs to learn to be self-sufficient. This is a nice idea, and I think a good thing to shoot for, but I could see a lot of women (myself included) feeling guilty because they weren't getting enough "done" outside of taking care of the children and the house (when that is a lot).

The last book I read that influenced my parenting was The 7 O'Clock Bedtime. This is a fabulous book, and very far from the parenting philosophies that I'd adhered to before this. But, I had seen that I didn't need to be completely focused on my child, and I knew that my child needed boundaries. This book was just a great reminder that the parent needs to be loving and kind, in control, and firm about what is expected of the child (and, no, my kids don't go to bed at 7 o'clock).

I don't really have a parenting philosophy anymore, at least one that has a label, but I've never been more sure of my parenting. I think babies need love and lots of holding, and breastfeeding is great if it works (but not essential), and older children still need love and lots of holding, and a clear idea of what's expected of them.

But I don't think there is a One and Only True Parenting Philosophy. If sleep is essential to your well-being (and, of course, it is to everyone, but different people have different thresholds), letting your baby cry it out might be right for you. If having your child in your bed makes everyone in your family happy, enjoy. If you all get a crappy night's sleep and you're starting to resent your child, make a change. If your child is over one (or two or three), and breastfeeding is still working, by all means continue on. But, if you are starting to resent it or just feel the time is right, do not feel guilty about weaning. I saw a lot of women struggling with nursing older children in La Leche League, and while my children both nursed for a long time, I don't think a lot of these women got honest answers. When it's not working, stop feeling guilty and make a change.

I hope this doesn't sound like advice for anyone. Because it's not. My only advice is that guilt is useless. Decide what works for your family, and go with that. My husband and I found the approach that works with our family, and that's all I know.