..doubt itself is a passionate exercise. I think it's perceived in this culture as something weak or denatured, and that's a huge mistake. Conviction is what you do to be comfortable, to write The End on thinking. Doubt keeps you in the present, it keeps you conscious and reacting to and acting on what is going on now. It's work and people like to avoid work.
-John Patrick Shanley

I love this quote. I think in some ways, it is so right-on. But, having spent a lot of time wallowing in Doubt, I think it's missing something, too. You have to realize when doubt is futile. When you've worked that angle, and it's time to move on. When you have doubt about something that is unknowable (God, an afterlife), there's a point at which you have to simply choose what to believe.

A few days ago I wrote to a friend, "I find going to church and believing things in a more traditional way is very comforting to me. When I tried to boil God down to the essence of what I know to be true, I would up with NOTHING - because we can't know anything. Now, that I think of him as a man and I believe in Christ again, I have a peace and a hope that I need. It could just be the comfort of believing with the same faith that I had as a child, but I don't even care."

I have felt God's love strongly and I have felt what I would call "the Spirit". When I was in my doubting-mode, I dismissed these things. But, while dismissing them may seem more rational, is it? I can't conjure up those feelings of love or spirit at my own whim. I can't choose it, so doesn't that leave a door of possibility open? And, when I have experienced them, it really has been incredibly comforting.

I have no idea why these experiences come sometimes and at other times, prayer feels like hitting a brick wall. I'm pretty sure it has to do with my head and my heart, though.

I really enjoyed church last Sunday. I thought back to when going to church was painful for me. When we didn't go to church, that didn't feel right. When we went, I wanted it to help me out, turn me back to something I wasn't anymore. But, instead, I'd find myself fighting tears or getting really angry. Sometimes both.

I know the church hasn't changed. But, somewhere I did. I'm not asking the church to be everything to me anymore. I just want a space to think about the things that really matter. I want my kids to be at church. I want us to learn about Christ and follow him. When I was pretty sure I'd never be a Mormon again, my aunt told me that you've gotta give your kids something to reject. We laughed, but I think that's right. You have to give them (and yourself) something.

Doubting is hard work, but so is believing. But, it's a work that's lighter and has more comfort in it. With doubt, God felt like a impenetrable wall that I couldn't climb or even reach. With belief, God is an open door. And, sometimes, I feel like I'm let in.