After reading my journal, these are things that I'm surprised I didn't remember:

1) The first boy who ever asked me to dance, told me I was cute (well, he used the word "fox" but that's a little embarassing), bought me a flower, and called me. I wrote down his first and last name, and I still have no memory of him. (no. idea.)

2) That my best friend (from age 2-16) tried to kill herself. This happened a little while after we stopped hanging out. It really upset me at the time, but I don't remember it. That seems big and tragic, but it's a black hole.

3) A boy asked me to marry him. When I was 17. I said, "No." Then, he said, "How about in 5 years?" I said, "No." I do remember him telling me that he loved me and I said it back. But, I didn't mean it. It was a courtesy I-love-you and it felt really weird to say it.

Another guy talked about getting married when I was 19, but didn't actually propose. I told him I would only marry a Mormon. He talked about getting baptized and going on a mission, but he didn't really even know what he was talking about.

Things that I didn't remember, and even though it doesn't surprise me, I still want to talk about it:

1) I was attending a baptism and my bishop leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do anything you'll have to repent for." One, I wasn't doing anything wrong. Two, that's kind of creepy. Three, it freaked me out because at the time I thought my bishop had some sort of power, some unseen spiritual skills, that he could read my soul with.

At this same age, I wound up as the only Laurel in my class one Sunday. My teacher was the YW President and she tried to get into a very personal discussion with me about morality. The vibe I got was that she assumed I was struggling with it (I guess based on the fact that I was a teenager) and she wanted to be there for me. I wasn't struggling, just very uncomfortable with the discussion. But, if I had been, was this appropriate? Uh, I don't think so.

She talked about how on her wedding night she was very confused. Why is this not wrong tonight but it would have been last night? And, I'm thinking Duh. Because you could get pregnant. Because it's not right.

2) That I was scared to get married. I wrote how I didn't see how two people in their 20s could make such a big decision. You base it on being attracted to them, and they are nice and can talk about books or art or something? How are you supposed to know what life will be like with them once you are actually living with them? What about 10 years down the road?

It wasn't until I met my husband that I seriously thought about getting married, and that still took four or five months (and, we didn't get married until after we dated for 16 months). Once I decided, though, I didn't look back. And, we made a great decision. I think I really underestimated the maturity of a person in their 20s and overestimated the wisdom that (supposedly) comes with age.